This a post I’ve been thinking long and hard over, I’ve iffed and hummed whether or not to write this. If I actually publish this it will be nothing short of a miracle. A comment that I got from a fellow blogger the other week really got me thinking ‘you seem so bubbly and happy from your posts’ Whilst this is most certainly true, I am without doubt now one of the luckiest girls around but I feel like sometimes the negativity tries to weasel its way back in and ruin it all. We all have a past. It’s a given. My past is a little murky, it kind of dives into the lowest depths and it’s not something I want to really bring up but it is a part of my life. I haven’t always been this bubbly, loves life and 100% happy with her little Char bubble of bliss kind of girl… oh I was far from any bubble of bliss. I was an extremely lost and in hindsight sick girl who really wasn’t a pleasant person to be around. I isolated myself away from everyone and everything. I loathed myself. There was not one part of me that I liked at all. I would spend all the time when I wasn’t in the hell hole (that was school) cycling for hours and hours on end. I did a lot of stupid stuff. I’m not going to bring up all the gory details because believe me , they were truly gory. A fair few years of my life were completely dominated by food, self-hatred and unhappiness. It’s so refreshing to be grateful for life and for people who continue to support me through all that life has thrown at us. I’m a believer in that everything happens for a reason, this was without doubt an incredibly testing time, it was an awfully dark and lonely place that I do not want to revisit. If I look back, I made some really stupid decisions, I caused a lot of harm to myself and others and what exactly did it achieve you ask? Absolutely **** all. It was an absolute waste of my time. I’m not going to go into details but a lot of s*** hit the fan and I’m a chronic bottler. I bottle it all up until it ends in a nice big messy explosion. We are all probably guilty of that at times! Anyway life wasn’t dandy, it wasn’t grand and I was not a happy and bubbly individual. Oh believe me i still have my days where I am the most unbubbliest moaning old fart imaginable! It happens, just not very often… It’s normally only at a certain time where all that can console me is the beautiful coco goodness! The moral of this post is if you are going through a hard time, don’t give up when the going get’s tough, if life is dealing you a bad hand don’t just quit on it, things do and can get better. The cure for me was inside of myself all along (cheesy but true) no one was going to fix me but myself. My friends gave me an ultimatum carry on that way and the inevitable would happen, fight and you could go far. It’s most definitely a fight or flight kind of scenario. I fought, in fact I still fight. I still have my moments of absolute insanity where I freak out over an unexpected donut or going out for multiple meals in the a row. The difference is that I no longer care about insignificant factors. No one can tell that I had that donut. It’s not bloody visible. Weight fluctuation is often to do with water. I’ll never have a thigh gap so I just need to build a damn bridge and get over it. I’m not built for that ****. I’ve chosen to be happy. I’ve chosen to fight instead of flying away and ignoring my ‘issues’. I’m a work in progress, you are a work in progress! We are all works in progress! I’m just actively choosing to take a chuck it in the **** it bucket and move the hell on kind of attitude to this crazy adventure we call life! The moral of this rambling is that things can and do change. I have changed for the absolute better. The elephant in the room is still very much that but it’s no longer stomping over my happiness!
Wow I actually did it, I would reward myself with a gold star, a bar of Cadbury’s or a glass of wine if I had any of those things!