Now I know I’ve blogged about the elephant in the room. It’s done and dusted but as I said there are still the iffy days. I gained a little bit of weight when I started on a new medication. I knew it, everyone probably knew it but I was somehow ok with it (I wasn’t really). I’ve lost it & most likely more, I’ve toned up ever so slightly (there are limits to toning when my body is so short) my stamina has improved and so has my motivation I am back to my disciplined self. The problem being is that there is a very fine line with discipline and restriction. It’s something that I’ve never truly got to grips with. It’s true about what they say exercise is key. If you exercise and eat what you want (within reason) you should be absolutely fine. I just want to be a happy and healthy Char. I do not want to become the other Char. I find it hard whenever I drop a few pounds because the adrenaline that I experience just makes me want to carry on. I know it doesn’t bring happiness for me or for anyone else as a matter of fact. Pizza no longer fills me with dread, I no longer need to post to instagram me holding my sushi packet (which I only half ate fyi).
I’m better, ‘you are better’. Yes I am better, yes I can now order a dominoes without wanting to gauge my eyes out or cycle for an eternity. This was my response to pizza on the 17th September 2014…
A lot has changed. I can now eat pizza sat on a bed in my pj’s looking an absolute slob without giving a toss. The feelings after, admittedly are probably still there but I am stronger and bigger than those voices of doubt. I am in control of this. I no longer have to sit in a restaurant with my coat on because I can’t stand the thought of people seeing my body. I now probably show it off with my un-modest dresses!
I now have boobs, an actual pair of boobs! I no longer need these ridiculously padded bras… all padding belongs to me! I no longer have to count calories (albeit I probably know the calories in ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING). I now have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me for me. He doesn’t want a miserable, cold all the time, withdrawn and downright in the dumps girlfriend. My friends don’t want a food occupied Char, they want a fun and happy Char. I want a fun and happy Char. I am the fun, lively and outgoing Char. This is me. I wish I had a longer body so i’d be evenly spread. I wish I had straight legs but I never will so I might as well just do myself a favour and get over it. I am extremely happy, choosing life and happiness was without doubt the best decision. No body wants this.
The change is incredible. I’m proud of myself. I just have days where I doubt it all. I doubt it all. I really must stop doubting. I don’t like these types of posts. I like the fun and frolic type but I needed to offload. I needed to write down all the reasons why sparkly eyes, boobs and tum are worth it. I needed to be reminded that people love me for being me. No one else. I worked hard for my happiness and no elephant in the room is going to stomp over it. Things are good. Things can get better. If the world wasn’t so obsessed with weight and food it would make life a little easier maybe? The crazy thing is when I look back to photos from a few years ago I wasn’t even big. My perception has clearly changed because I felt like I was reaching whale proportions. Oh my. This is such a TMI post. I apologise.