Control: late night spiel

I find comfort in feeling weighless, I prefer to sometimes be numb because it is easier than confronting my mind. It is easier than trying to determine fact from fiction. It is easier to plead ignorance to bellowing voices of doubt knowing that already things have started to slide. You tell yourself this time it will just be a minor blip. A small moment in time where you relinquished control. You have got this, there is nothing to hide.

Honesty Thursday: Self Esteem

Hello there!

This might be a one off OR a regular thing. It’s something that I’ve thought about doing for quite a while but I’m taking the plunge and going with the flow.

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Let’s talk about self worth.

Self worth otherwise commonly referred to as self esteem is defined as ‘the sense of one’s own value or worth as a person’. I’ll be honest I truly did struggle with my self esteem and as a result I regret a lot of things that I have done. Low self esteem is dangerous, it changes the way you think about the world and the way you view yourself. I know it may sound cheesy but I truly believe that in order to love, you have to first love and respect yourself. I mean if you can’t love and respect yourself how will anyone else be able to break down those walls of protection that you have built up over the years. I built a lot of strong walls around me, I didn’t want to let anyone in. I truly felt that I was worthless and unloveable. My behaviours and actions reflected this. I would find myself in situations which I just didn’t want to be in and I knew that what I was doing was not really me. My thoughts and state of mind were causing me to act in that way. It was not Charlotte. I’ll be honest when you believe that you are worthless you get yourself into situations which you never deserved to face. You meet the wrong kind of people, the words muttered over the years play on repeat every single day. You believe that you are a disgusting and horrible individual and you deserve nothing more than this. 

When you are in such a bad place in your life and feel like you deserve nothing better bad things happen. Dating with low self esteem is horrendous. I will recall one ‘relationship’ that was bad. I didn’t value myself which meant in turn the other person in the relationship did not value me. That time in my life was awful. I just wanted to be loved because I was incapable of loving myself. I had zero self respect and if you were to ask people who truly know me they would confirm that this time in my life was particularly bad.

I was in an absolute rut. I loathed my existence, I blamed myself for absolutely everything. Rational thinking was a thing of the past. I was a mess. Relationships are meant to be built on firm foundations and should be fulfilling and each party should love and respect one another. Let’s introduce the factor of low self esteem and all these morals just fall away. You find yourself unhappy and questioning why you are still there but you rationalise your decision by justifying the other persons behaviour because you are worth nothing more than this. 

I wish I could have grabbed that girls shoulders and scream that you are worth sooo much more than this. Please do not subject yourself to this. Charlotte please get a grip.

I just want to stress that you should never be pressured into doing something that you don’t want to do. You are worth more than you can possibly imagine and there will be someone out there who will truly love and respect you.

You have to first learn to love yourself. You have to look beyond the voice of doubt and you have to say that I am enough. You have to realise that you…

  • have a purpose
  • you are loved
  • you are beautiful
  • you are one of a kind

This feels so cheesy but that kind of mind sight can prove to be detrimental. I feel like the girl you see now on this blog is the girl I was always meant to be. In hind sight it was easier to be numb and emotionless. It was easier to be in denial then to face up to the situation and to recognise that by staying I was only harming myself. Perfect relationships just don’t exist. However relationships built on the understanding of mutual respect are the closest thing to the unattainable ‘perfect relationship’.

Basically, the point of this post is to stress the importance of self worth. I am proof that you can learn to love yourself. Believe me my self esteem was non existent and I think Will would be able to confirm that I have since come on leaps and bounds and that I am starting to respect my myself. It is a life long process, there will be ups and downs but never ever put yourself in a situation because you believe you are worth nothing more.

We are all wonderfully unique, we all have a story to tell and we are all alive for a reason! Please don’t waste precious milliseconds questioning your existence ❤

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Love C xxx

2am musings

I fell asleep pretty early, I hadn’t even replied to my loves what’s app message. The time is now 2am. My mind is buzzing. Maybe I should have had more of that wine. Tonight has been a whirlwind of emotions. For a heads up to potential readers I am ready to dive head first into a truly meaningful, thankful, dreamy, inspirational and uplifting post which maybe tinged with a little sadness.

So here goes *takes a big gulp and decides that 2am is a very good time to pour ones heart out*

Life. It is without doubt the most precious thing we will ever have. Money will not buy it, it cannot be renewed once the time is up, it’s a gift to us on loan so to speak. I’ve spoken before about how we are not invincible. I’ve spoken before about making our life count and I’ve spoken before about burying ones head in the sand when it comes to bereavement. I’ve already got myself knee deep in the stuff. This is however a post which will make zero sense most likely but I need to just let this out. I need to just type these thoughts out and who knows maybe someone else will relate with my disjointed thoughts. I feel like I’m going to repeat aspects of previous contemplative musings but maybe they need to be repeated, just maybe I need to hear them again. I said before if life deals you a bad hand don’t quit on it, if the going gets tough don’t resort to flight instead of fight. I know all of this. I know I’ve said things happen for a reason but sometimes just sometimes I stop and think life will you not just give us a blooming break. It can at times just get a little too much. I am a bouncy ball. I bounce back from most eventualities but there is one eventuality that I fear that not even I will bounce back from. It really is a thing from my nightmares. Every girl wants this person to be there at every big event in their lives, such as their wedding day, they want that person to meet their future children, they want them to watch them grow old, reach milestones, blow out more and more candles, we all want to stick around for this crazy adventure called life. So when those who we love are called early it is without doubt heartbreaking and soul destroying. I am one for trying to remain positive in the face of adversity. I know that we are not invincible. I know that I and you are not guaranteed to reach a certain age. There’s stuff preventing that from happening. We don’t know what’s around the corner. All we know is what we have now. This is a reminder that I am a lucky girl. I am unconditionally loved, I have cheer leaders who are constantly cheering for me, I have so much support and belief in my ability from those around me. I am blessed. I cannot let metaphorical **** hitting the fan stop me from pursuing my dreams. I know this person wants nothing but for me to be happy, they want nothing more than me to go out into the big wide world and achieve big big things. I want to do that. I want to make them proud but I can’t imagine doing it without them. I can’t imagine going through life without them. I know that I would always be loved and always be supported but it potentially wouldn’t be physically. This person is such a strong individual. They have faced so much. It doesn’t seem just and right why this is happening now. As A.V dicey said ‘parliamentary sovereignty is the cornerstone of the constitution’ (I am such a law student)… Just like that, this person is the cornerstone of my little world. They are the cornerstone of our little, continuing to deplete rapidly bubble. A.V Dicey believes that without parliamentary sovereignty the whole constitution would crumble. I believe that without this person this bubble would pop. This person has great importance and significance. To even think about the ‘what ifs’ makes my eyes prick and stomach churn. So for now I am going to hug this person even tighter, I’m going to never leave on a bad note, I’m going to actively make dreamy wonderful memories incase the what ifs come into fruition. I am going to treasure every millisecond, I am going to make sure that they know that they are wholeheartedly loved, adored and looked up to. I am going to try and hold it together whatever the outcome. I am not going to take this life for granted. I am actively going to try and surround myself with people who make me happy. I’m going to reevaluate my life to some extent. This little warning bell situation which is occurring has made me even more contemplative about everything and we already know ‘Charzweb’ is a fairly contemplative place at times!

There’s one song that just speaks to me, albeit it being about shutting up and just dancing but the word dancing could be used in many a metaphorical way. To me it means treasuring every moment, it means letting your hair down and being happy, it means whatever crap which is happening, nothing can get in your way of having a ball. Whatever the situation, just shut up and dance with me. This is now my life motto… It’s not to tell people to shut up incase you are thinking what a strange life motto. It’s more just to not dwell on the shitty things and instead to just dance it off, however that may be. This has turned into our song recently. It brings a smile to my face because I can just picture us both belting out the song in the car together and just looking at each other and laughing at our likeness!

Oh heck. I’ve been typing for nearly forty whole minutes. I’m going to leave you with the song because it is without doubt a brilliant way to approach the bullshit life throws at us by dancing. I will forever attempt to promote optimism and positivity even when those metaphorical skies are grey, overcast and stormy. The storm clouds shall always clear my dears. I’m most definitely emotionally mused out.

The moral of this musing is to hug those a little tighter, shut up and dance and always carry an umbrella because you never know when it’s going to rain…


Talkative Tuesday: making life count *clink*

You know whats really just hit me today? We are not invincible. We are not here forever… what a morbid topic but I believe it’s important. I am the lucky one, I am the one and only surviving daughter. I am alive. That is a wonderful gift in itself! Do I take it for granted? Of course I and you take our life for granted. Life is ours to do what we want with so we MUST make every little millisecond count. It is easy to be bitter and it is easy to play the why me card. Life is too short to be bitter, life is too short to hold grudges, life is to short to care what others think of what you do with your life. In my honest opinion **** what everyone else thinks and do things that make you happy! Be with people who truly love you, do not invest time in unhappy relationships… what is the point? Once it’s gone, it’s gone! I try my hardest to take a proactive approach to life, I try not to mope around too often, I try to do and spend time with my nearest and dearest, I try to capture as many wonderful and cherished moments as possible, I try to tell those who I love that I love them, that they are appreciated and wonderful human beings who I have the pleasure of doing life with! I am lucky, you are lucky… we are all darn lucky! Yes life has this habit of ******* us all over royally, it’s not quite a disney tale is it?! So what, it’s the most invaluable thing we will ever possess we only get one shot at it! We all make mistakes (I still make them)… you can’t change the past so actively try to change your future. Step out of comfort zones, do crazy and wild things because you only live once. There was a very popular word a year or so back, YOLO (you only live once) and even though I absolutely despise the word the meaning is true and real. We do only live once. Today a 28 year old woman (I didn’t know her) but she died on her birthday. She was 28 only a few years older than me. Twenty eight is no age to die, Abby was a baby, that is no age to die and so forth. So the moral of this post is to do as much that is humanly possible with our time, don’t waste time with cross words and never leave on a bad note. Let’s get out of our comfort zones, let’s proactively make a life that we will never ever forget and if that involves a few crazy antics here and there then so be it! I’m raising a glass to being alive, happy and well! So here’s to a wonderful, dreamy, adventure filled life chaps, it’s ours to conquer and I’m planning on a wild & exciting one!

Cheers my dears

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*clink*